Worn Out Shoes
Worn Out ShoesRevision #3Nine years of doing lines between the toes, Of jabbing pricks in tracks in crumpled veins, Then methadone to spoil addictive pains, The clinics where he sways in addict rows....
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
One of your best that I've read, Paddy. No nits from this gallery...on the premise, the power of your words speak for themselves and the technicals work even for this metermaid.'tis a sad, sad song...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
HelloI just located this board and this is the first piece that I've read.I must admit that I am impressed.First, allow me to comment on the content of this work.Having lived with a heroin and coke...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
A very worthy subject for a sonnet and generally well crafted. However, the diction in many places seems strained and some attention to reworking the lines in question would pay off. Furthermore, for...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
Sue, you are a wonder for the ego. Thanks so much.Hi Joelsz, I havent seen you here before. If you are new, welcome. Strictly speaking, the form is a hybrid of the Spenserian sonnet where most English...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
Paddy...L6 still sticksWhere lies the threat behind darkened corridors would you consider: "Where lies the threat behind dark corridors"or... "where lies the threat in darkened corridors"In...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
Thank you SueStill a little lumpy in L13 but it works and it says what I wanted to say all along but was not quite saying it. One has these mental blanks but they sometimes go after a few days...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
I add my admiration.I would prefer:where the THREAT LIES in DARKened CORRiDORS.I'm not sure "spurn" is the right word in L3.bloof-chilled should be hyphenated, but blood is warm.I stumbled on the last...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
That means a lot to me Stephen. In fact, all of the accolade thus far has left me with a peaceful contented feeling because it is the very first of my hundreds, if not thousands of poems to ever earn...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
Paddy,The diction seems extremely stilted in this--I would prefer some more contemporary and vivid 'drug' terminology and I think if you are focussing on one particular junkie, then this line:'The...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
Hello MazThanks heaps for your more private thoughts and these that I have kept in mind for revision. To answer your question simply on the fifth line, His mind has leaked across the path ahead is...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
Paddy, I think the small changes in your latest revision improve for meter and clarity.I can't figure what Rome and MA have to do with any of it, though, and that line throws me for meter and the end...
View ArticleRe: Worn Out Shoes
Thanks for your thoughts Mop and for reading. Much appreciated and I am pleased you found it palatable.Yours on wheelsPaddy RandellI guess one becomes content with one's poetry when one opens the book...
View Article
